Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
