A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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