While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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