She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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