when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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