just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
