He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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