My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
