Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
