she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
