Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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