just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
