foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
