apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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