Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
