you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
