i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
