Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
