2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
