Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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