I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
BRING THE BAGELS
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
