foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
