i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
