I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
