Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
