it's not cheating when I paid for it
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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