I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
