My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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