I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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