Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
