So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
