I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
