she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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