I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
