either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
