Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
