I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
