carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
