he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
