i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
