Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
