Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
When did angry sex become our thing?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
