Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
