i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
