He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
