How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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