Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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