I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
