Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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