you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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