the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
