I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
