I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He felt like a one man threesome
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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