I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize