My balls are so social today.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
