Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
