every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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