I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
