Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
