the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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